Capsule Labels/Known Label Text

Capsule labels feature a span of dummy text to fill space, usually an in-universe piece of text followed by a joke piece of text. This is a list of every known variation on this text.


 * Editor's Note: This page contains spelling errors, however, this is intentional, as the original labels also sometimes featured spelling or grammatical errors. Please do not edit spelling errors from this page.

1. TNG Labels 5-Label Page
These labels have been spotted on a 5-sticker column sheet, in the standard Red/Brown/Blue colors from TNG. The headers and numbers from this sheet appear on other sheets with different body text.
 * 855 | ACCESS PANEL 78-0067
 * REFER SERVICING TO QUALIFIED STARFLEET TECHNICIANS. NO USER SERVICEABLE PARTS
 * INSIDE. REMEMBER, NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE.


 * 451 | AUXILIARY SYSTEMS 32-2398
 * CAUTION: OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR TO BE. A STITCH IN
 * TIME SAVES NINE. IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM.


 * 042 | ENVIRONMENTAL SYSTEMS 01-1865
 * DON'T TUG ON SUPERMAN'S CAPE. DON'T SPIT INTO THE WIND. DON'T PULL THE
 * MASK OFF THE OLD LONE RANGER, AND YOU DON'T MESS AROUND WITH JIM.


 * 954 | ENGINEERING ACCESS ONLY
 * THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND KILOMETERS PER SECOND. IT'S NOT JUST A GOOD
 * IDEA, IT'S THE LAW. YOUR ACTUAL MILEAGE MAY VARY, OF COURSE.


 * 302 | OPTICAL DATA NET SERVICE ACCESS
 * JUST SIT RIGHT BACK AND YOU'LL HEAR A TALE, A TALE OF A FATEFUL TRIP, THAT
 * STARTED FROM THIS TROPIC PORT, ABOARD THIS TINY SHIP...

2. VOY/Film Era 3-Column Page
These stickers are printed in columns, with 8 stickers per column, generally 2-3 columns. This layout only seems to be used for VOY and later episodes and shows.
 * 806 | TERTIARY SUBSYSTEM 67-517
 * SAFETY PROCEDURES MUST BE OBSERVED PRIOR TO OPENING THIS COMPARTMENT. IN
 * THE EVENT OF A WATER LANDING, THIS UNIT MAY BE USED AS A FLOTATION DEVICE.


 * 321 | ACCESS PANEL 22-329
 * CONTAINS ACTIVE OPTICAL DATA NETWORK ELEMENTS. DO NOT REMOVE THIS PANEL
 * WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION FROM CHIEF ENGINEER. JANE, STOP THIS CRAZY THING!


 * 302 | ENVIRONMENTAL SYSTEMS 24-505
 * CONTAINS COMPONENTS CRITICAL TO ENVIRONMENTAL CONTROL SYSTEMS. WILE E.
 * COYOTE, SUPERGENIUS. I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT. WILE E. COYOTE, SUPERGENIUS!


 * 927 | ENGINEERING ACCESS ONLY
 * DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SERVICE THIS MODULE WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION FROM CHIEF
 * ENGINEER OR OPERATIONS OFFICE. MY GOD, THE BASTARDS HAVE KILLED KENNY!


 * 047 | OPTICAL DATA NET SERVICE ACCESS
 * CAUTION: OPERATING PROTOCOL 95-7574 REQUIRES FULL REDUNDANCY FOR ALL
 * PRIMARY DATA FEEDS. BE VEWY, VEWY QWIET, I'M HUNTING WABBITS. HEH HEH HEH!


 * 855 | ACCESS PANEL 46-102
 * NO USER SERVICABLE PARTS INSIDE. THEY FIGHT AND BITE, THEY FIGHT AND FIGHT
 * AND BITE, FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT, BITE BITE BITE, IT'S THE ITCHY & SCRATCHY SHOW.


 * 954 | EMERGENCY ACCESS ONLY 83-152
 * WARNING: SEVERE PLASMA HAZARD. DO NOT ACCESS WHEN PRIMARY WARP DRIVE
 * SYSTEMS ARE IN USE. I TOUGHT I TAW A PUTTY TAT. I DID, I DID TEE A PUTTY TAT!


 * 451 | AUXILIARY SYSTEMS 95-610
 * CAUTION: THESE SYSTEMS FOLLOW A GNDN OPERATING PROTOCOL. WHO HOLDS BACK
 * THE ELECTRIC CAR? WHO MAKES STEVE GUTTENBERG A STAR? WE DO, WE DO!

3. Medium VOY/Film-Era 2-Column Page
These labels are spotted on a gold version of the medium labels introduced for the TNG-era films. Features 2 columns and 8 labels per column. The only photo known of this sheet style is very low quality, and this section needs clarification.
 * 014 | SUBSYSTEM 62-3845 MAINTENANCE ACCESS / GT:04:003:171A
 * CAUTION: EPS POWER TRANSMISSION GRIDS POTENTIALLY PRODUCE HAZARDOUS RADIATION FIELDS IN THE 4.3 E 07 NKZ RANGE. (needs verification)
 * PROPER CONTAINMENT MEASURES MUST BE TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT WHEN UTILIZING SENSOR PALLET MODULATION. SOMETHING FAMILIAR, SOME-
 * THING PECULIAR, SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE, A COMEDY TONIGHT. NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE.


 * 112 | AUXILIARY SYSTEMS ACCESS 74-32834 / LATERAL MODULE 479A
 * OPERATIONAL PROCEDURES CD 554-038A ALLOW ACESS TO THESE CONDUITS TO ONLY CERTIFIED ENGINEERING STAFF. ALPHA TEAM MEMBERS
 * FOR SHIFTS B AND C REPORT TO OPERATIONS MANAGER. A TEAM MEMBERS OPERATING BLACK CHEVROLET RUNS WITH RED STRIPES CONDUIT
 * NETWORK OFFICIAL REGARDING USE OF GOLD JEWELRY, OLD CIGARS, AND OUTLANDISHLY RIDICULOUS PERSONALITIES. TUES AFTER FALL GUY.


 * 139 | OPTICAL DATA NETWORK SYSTEMS ACCESS / JOS 325A
 * ISOLINEAR DATA MODULES PRESENT IN THIS SYSTEM MUST BE MAINTAINED ON POWER, EVEN DURING NORMAL SYSTEMS MAINTENANCE
 * AND DIAGNOSTIC PROTOCOLS. THERE IS A FIFTH DIMENSION, BEYOND THAT WHICH IS KNOWN TO MAN. IT IS THE MIDDLE GROUND BETWEEN
 * LIGHT AND SHADOW, BETWEEN SCIENCE AND SUPERSTITION. THIS IS THE DIMENSION OF IMAGINATION. AN AREA WE CALL THE TWILIGHT ZONE.


 * 321 | EPS POWER DISTRIBUTION NODE 844.3 / JOS 325A
 * STARFLEET TRANSFER PROTOCL SFTP 11217, CORRIDOR ACESS PANEL OPEN ON A TWO-ONE-SEVEN RATIO, REQUIRING A COOLING SERIES OF
 * INTERLOCK FUNCTIONS. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR TELEVISION SET. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ADJUST THE PICTURE. WE WILL CONTROL
 * THE HORIZONTAL. WE WILL CONTROL THE VERTICAL. FOR THE NEXT HOUR, WE WILL CONTROL ALL THAT YOU SEE AND HEAR.


 * 302 | ENVIRONMENTAL SUBSYSTEMS ACCES / MODULE 585.34
 * ACCESS TO ENVIRONMENTAL SUBSYSTEMS ONLY WITH AUTHORIZATION OF DUTY ENGINEER OR OPERATIONS OFFICER. JUST SIT RIGHT BACK AND
 * YOU'LL HEAR A TALE, A TALE OF A FATEFUL TRIP. THAT STARTED FROM THIS TROPIC PORT, ABOARD THIS TINY SHIP. THE MATE WAS A MIGHTY
 * SAILIN' MAN, THE SKIPPER BRAVE AND SURE. FIVE PASSENGERS SET SAIL THAT DAY ON A THREE-HOUR TOUR. A THREE HOUR TOUR.


 * 321 | CAUTION: AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY / SFRA PROTOCOL 585.34
 * VECTORED EXHAUST CHAMBERS UTILIZE DRIVER COIL ASSEMBLY SYSTEMS SIMILAR TO LATERAL PHASE INDUCERS. REGULATED PARTICLE
 * EMISSIONS TEND TO VARY IN THE EVENT OF EVENTUAL EVENTUALITIES WHICH EVENTUALLY EVACUATE EVACUATION EDUCATORS. AMBULATOR
 * ATTRACTION OF ACTUAL ARRANGED ARRAYS ASSEMBLE ANTI-IONIC PARTICLES PERMEATING PASSIVE PRESSURE POWER PORTS.


 * 451 | CALIBRATION INSTRUCTIONS FOR MODULE GT:04:003:171A
 * THIS UNIT REQUIRES INDEPENDENT VERIFICATION OF CALIBRATION USING TRICORDER REFERENCE STANDARD 349.2 UNLESS AUTHORIZED
 * BY DUTY SCIENCE OFFICER OR OPERATIONS OFFICER. PHASE ALIGNMENT MUST BE VERIFIED PRIOR TO ANY MISSION CRITICAL OPERATION
 * OR SCIENTIFIC DATA GATHERING APPLICATION. SURELY YOU'RE JOKING, MISTER FEYNMAN.


 * 221 | CAUTION: SUBSPACE FLUX RADIATION HAZARD / PROTOCOL 479A
 * UNPROTECTED EXPOSURE TO THIS UNIT MAY RESULT IN INJURY DUE TO SUBSPACE FLUX IN EXCESS OF 30.0 MC/MR. OPEN THE POD BAY DOOR
 * HAL. I'M SORRY, DAVE, I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO THAT. DAVE, STOP. WILL YOU STOP, DAVE? I'M AFRAID, DAVE. MY MIND IS GOING. I CAN
 * FEEL IT. I CAN FEEL IT. THERE IS NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. I CAN FEEL IT. I'M AFRAID.

4. Unknown 5-Label Page (Unusual Gold Sample)
These labels appeared on an unusual sample. It appears to be from the production, but with an un-brushed glittery gold backing. It's cut and printing quality is consistent with previous production-made samples, but the materials for the vinyl are peculiar. However, it also features a unique set of non-technobabble jokes that appear to be slight variations on the 5-row TNG-era stickers. No other example of this text has been found yet.
 * 855 | ACCESS PANEL 78-0067
 * ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE, AND ALL THE MEN AND WOMEN MERELY PLAYERS,THEY (typo intended)
 * HAVE THEIR EXITS AND THEIR ENTRANCES, AND ONE MAN IN HIS LIFE PLAYS MANY PARTS...


 * 451 | AUXILIARY SYSTEMS 32-2398
 * DON'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. INSTRUCTIONS ARE BROKEN DOWN IN SMALL STEPS.
 * WHEN YOU MAKE SMALL STEPS, YOU BECOME A SMALLER PERSON.


 * 042 | ENVIRONMENTAL SYSTEMS 01-1865
 * DON'T TUG ON SUPERMAN'S CAPE. DON'T SPIT INTO THE WIND. DON'T PULL THE
 * MASK OFF THE LONE RANGER, AND YOU DON'T MESS AROUND WITH WENDY OR KIM.


 * 954 | ENGINEERING ACCESS ONLY
 * SAVE THE PLANET. SHOCK THE MONKEY. PASS THE BUCK. KEEP OFF THE GRASS.
 * SING A SONG. BANG A GONG. TAR AND FEATHER. STEAL THE SHOW.


 * 302 | OPTICAL DATA NET SERVICE ACCESS
 * THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB IS A WOMAN. OPTIMISM IS THE RIGHT OUTLOOK TO
 * HAVE. PESSIMISM IS THE ENEMY. OPTIMISM CREATES POSSIBILITIES.