Capsule Labels/Known Label Text

Capsule labels feature a span of dummy text to fill space, usually an in-universe piece of text followed by a joke piece of text. This is a list of every known variation on this text.

1. TNG Labels 5-Label Page (White Glossy)
These labels have been spotted on a 5-sticker column sheet, in the standard Red/Brown/Blue colors from TNG. The headers and numbers from this sheet appear on other sheets with different body text.
 * 855 | ACCESS PANEL 78-0067
 * REFER SERVICING TO QUALIFIED STARFLEET TECHNICIANS. NO USER SERVICEABLE PARTS
 * INSIDE. REMEMBER, NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE.


 * 451 | AUXILIARY SYSTEMS 32-2398
 * CAUTION: OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR TO BE. A STITCH IN
 * TIME SAVES NINE. IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM.


 * 042 | ENVIRONMENTAL SYSTEMS 01-1865
 * DON'T TUG ON SUPERMAN'S CAPE. DON'T SPIT INTO THE WIND. DON'T PULL THE
 * MASK OFF THE OLD LONE RANGER, AND YOU DON'T MESS AROUND WITH JIM.


 * 954 | ENGINEERING ACCESS ONLY
 * THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND KILOMETERS PER SECOND. IT'S NOT JUST A GOOD
 * IDEA, IT'S THE LAW. YOUR ACTUAL MILEAGE MAY VARY, OF COURSE.


 * 302 | OPTICAL DATA NET SERVICE ACCESS
 * JUST SIT RIGHT BACK AND YOU'LL HEAR A TALE, A TALE OF A FATEFUL TRIP, THAT
 * STARTED FROM THIS TROPIC PORT, ABOARD THIS TINY SHIP...

2. VOY/Film Era 3-Column Page (Silver/Gold)
These stickers are printed in columns, with 8 stickers per column, generally 2-3 columns. This layout only seems to be used for VOY and later episodes and shows.
 * 806 | TERTIARY SUBSYSTEM 67-517
 * SAFETY PROCEDURES MUST BE OBSERVED PRIOR TO OPENING THIS COMPARTMENT. IN
 * THE EVENT OF A WATER LANDING, THIS UNIT MAY BE USED AS A FLOTATION DEVICE.


 * 321 | ACCESS PANEL 22-329
 * CONTAINS ACTIVE OPTICAL DATA NETWORK ELEMENTS. DO NOT REMOVE THIS PANEL
 * WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION FROM CHIEF ENGINEER. JANE, STOP THIS CRAZY THING!


 * 302 | ENVIRONMENTAL SYSTEMS 24-505
 * CONTAINS COMPONENTS CRITICAL TO ENVIRONMENTAL CONTROL SYSTEMS. WILE E.
 * COYOTE, SUPERGENIUS. I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT. WILE E. COYOTE, SUPERGENIUS!


 * 927 | ENGINEERING ACCESS ONLY
 * DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SERVICE THIS MODULE WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION FROM CHIEF
 * ENGINEER OR OPERATIONS OFFICE. MY GOD, THE BASTARDS HAVE KILLED KENNY!


 * 047 | OPTICAL DATA NET SERVICE ACCESS
 * CAUTION: OPERATING PROTOCOL 95-7574 REQUIRES FULL REDUNDANCY FOR ALL
 * PRIMARY DATA FEEDS. BE VEWY, VEWY QWIET, I'M HUNTING WABBITS. HEH HEH HEH!


 * 855 | ACCESS PANEL 46-102
 * NO USER SERVICABLE PARTS INSIDE. THEY FIGHT AND BITE, THEY FIGHT AND FIGHT
 * AND BITE, FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT, BITE BITE BITE, IT'S THE ITCHY & SCRATCHY SHOW.


 * 954 | EMERGENCY ACCESS ONLY 83-152
 * WARNING: SEVERE PLASMA HAZARD. DO NOT ACCESS WHEN PRIMARY WARP DRIVE
 * SYSTEMS ARE IN USE. I TOUGHT I TAW A PUTTY TAT. I DID, I DID TEE A PUTTY TAT!


 * 451 | AUXILIARY SYSTEMS 95-610
 * CAUTION: THESE SYSTEMS FOLLOW A GNDN OPERATING PROTOCOL. WHO HOLDS BACK
 * THE ELECTRIC CAR? WHO MAKES STEVE GUTTENBERG A STAR? WE DO, WE DO!

3. Unknown 5-Label Page (Unusual Gold Sample)
These labels appeared on an unusual sample. It appears to be from the production, but with an un-brushed glittery gold backing. It's cut and printing quality is consistent with previous production-made samples, but the materials for the vinyl are peculiar. However, it also features a unique set of non-technobabble jokes that seem to be similar to sample 1 above.
 * 855 | ACCESS PANEL 78-0067
 * ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE, AND ALL THE MEN AND WOMEN MERELY PLAYERS,THEY (typo intended)
 * HAVE THEIR EXITS AND THEIR ENTRANCES, AND ONE MAN IN HIS LIFE PLAYS MANY PARTS...


 * 451 | AUXILIARY SYSTEMS 32-2398
 * DON'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. INSTRUCTIONS ARE BROKEN DOWN IN SMALL STEPS.
 * WHEN YOU MAKE SMALL STEPS, YOU BECOME A SMALLER PERSON.


 * 042 | ENVIRONMENTAL SYSTEMS 01-1865
 * DON'T TUG ON SUPERMAN'S CAPE. DON'T SPIT INTO THE WIND. DON'T PULL THE
 * MASK OFF THE LONE RANGER, AND YOU DON'T MESS AROUND WITH WENDY OR KIM.


 * 954 | ENGINEERING ACCESS ONLY
 * SAVE THE PLANET. SHOCK THE MONKEY. PASS THE BUCK. KEEP OFF THE GRASS.
 * SING A SONG. BANG A GONG. TAR AND FEATHER. STEAL THE SHOW.


 * 302 | OPTICAL DATA NET SERVICE ACCESS
 * THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB IS A WOMAN. OPTIMISM IS THE RIGHT OUTLOOK TO
 * HAVE. PESSIMISM IS THE ENEMY. OPTIMISM CREATES POSSIBILITIES.